DaneThe Wagon Master
Cuban born. Florida forged. Globally trained. Six-foot-nine, three-hundred-and-ten pounds of wilderness muscle who would rather sleep in the swamp than spend one night in Tallahassee.
Origin Story
They say Dane arrived during a thunderstorm over Havana, already wearing a black CHAMPS cap and carrying a red wagon. The wagon was empty then. It is not empty now.
Raised under Cuban sun and Floridian humidity, he learned early that the big city lights of Tallahassee were not for him. Too many sirens. Too many parking tickets. Too many Tallahassee police officers who thought a man his size made for an easy target. They were incorrect.
Dane prefers the swamp. The gators are honest. The mosquitoes are disciplined. The Spanish moss does not ask stupid questions about his fantasy teams.
“I ain't no pro footballer. But I can handle myself.”
— Dane, probably, to a very nervous raccoon
The Wilderness Code
- Never trust a team that wears white pants after Labor Day.
- Always pay dues on time. The wagon remembers.
- If the police ask about your picks, show them your trophy wagon and keep walking.
- A demigod does not need escrow. A demigod needs receipts.
- Every fallen football player is just a stepping stone to the pot.
- The wilderness teaches patience. Fantasy football teaches none.
International Martial Arts Pilgrimage
Dane did not simply learn martial arts. He collected them like waiver-wire pickups. Twelve disciplines. Twelve countries. One man who still cannot figure out why kickers miss extra points.
Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
Rio de Janeiro
Can submit a gator without waking the birds.
Muay Thai
Bangkok
Shins like cypress knees. Elbows like palmetto fronds.
Kyokushin Karate
Oyama, Japan
Broke a coconut with a downward hammer fist. On purpose.
Sambo
Moscow
Learned it in a barn. Uses it mostly on folding chairs now.
Capoeira
Salvador
Brings the ginga to every touchdown celebration.
Krav Maga
Tel Aviv
Taught by a guy who had never heard of fantasy football.
Eskrima
Cebu
Two rattan sticks, one bad attitude, zero incomplete passes.
Greco-Roman Wrestling
Athens
Clinched a statue once. Museum still sends letters.
Savate
Paris
Kicks so pretty they named a pastry after him. They did not.
Lethwei
Yangon
Headbutted a watermelon. The watermelon apologized.
Systema
St. Petersburg
Breathes once per quarter. Still yells at the refs.
Hapkido
Seoul
Joint locks, throws, and the occasional gentle reminder to pay dues.
Why He Picks Losers
Most people chase winners. Dane chases the beautiful, glorious disaster of a franchise imploding in real time. He respects the underdog so much he bets against it. He studies coordinators like some men study constellations. He knows which offensive line is held together with duct tape and prayer.
Picking six losers is not pessimism. It is a lifestyle. It is a calling. It is the only acceptable use of a red wagon full of trophies.
Official Stats
- Height
- 6'9"
- Weight
- 310 lbs (all muscle, some wagon)
- Birthplace
- Cuba
- Residence
- Somewhere east of Tallahassee, west of nowhere
- Martial arts mastered
- All of them
- NFL teams played for
- Zero, and that is their loss
- Trophies hauled
- Enough to need a wagon
- Dues collected
- In full, with interest
Bow to the Wagon Master. Pick your six. Pay your dues.
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